Ten things Scott Pruitt could do instead of feeding his fevered paranoiac delusions that the Deep State is bugging his phone, in ascending order of likelihood:
1. Pay the average starting salary for any teacher in America for a year or more.
2. Send a kid to an in-state public college for four years and throw in books and supplies.
3. Hire a program assistant at a worthy nonprofit.
4. Pay the annual water bill for 50 residents of Flint, Michigan.
5. Purchase a rare, inscribed edition of Darwin’s On the Origin of Species.
6. Pay actual market value for a one-bedroom apartment near the Capitol for just under 2 years.
7. Treat himself to a new face every year for 4 years.
8. Treat each one of the 248 Republicans in Congress to the Grande Plateau at Le Diplomate.
9. Take his two favorite staffers on a two-week luxury cruise to the Cayman Islands to do a little
10. Buy a new burner phone with $1000 of prepaid data every goddamned month for 3.5 years.